close knit notes vol 15 - reflecting on a year off instagram
I decided to leave instagram in May 2021, the rest surprised me
I’ve always felt pretty clear that my intention for sharing online is to connect with others. In my early days of sharing on Instagram, this need was easily met. Over time, likes slowly turned to currency and community felt co-opted by brands. My need for connection felt increasingly unmet by the platform. Alongside my awareness of my unmet needs, I started thinking more about what my future on the app could look like. I imagined aging, maybe having kids, and I felt clear that I didn’t want to wake up one day realizing I’d monetized my children’s appearances. This isn’t going to be an essay about Momfluencing (because there are so many better sources to consume on the topic), but it feels worth mentioning because it’s a factor that played on my mind when I think about how I used instagram.
In May of 2021, after seeing people I admire get off instagram with clarity/success, I started to feel braver and decided to log out for good. But I really didn’t know what to expect after logging off. Would I miss it a lot? Would I have withdrawals? Would I suddenly have all this newfound time and energy to devote to craft?
For the first few weeks, I felt like trash. I felt lonely, irrelevant, confused, creatively drained, and a little worried I’d made a mistake. I thought about instagram a lot. Looking back, I probably didn’t spend more time thinking about instagram than usual, but I noticed how much I was thinking about it because it was no longer a stimulus, just the thoughts alone rattling around in my brain.
It’s gotten easier over time, but I often felt (and feel) really clunky and uncoordinated while navigating my internet-sharing post-instagram. Especially right after I got off insta, I didn’t know who to talk to about it, and my therapist was MIA. To people who aren’t on the app as a “personal brand” (or whatever the fuck we call it), it sounds weird and sorta narcissistic to talk about your micro-influencer status in this extremely niche corner of this one specific platform on the internet. I also try not to ‘yuck people’s yums’, so I didn’t know how to talk about it with people who were Very Much On Instagram And Enjoying It.
With time, distance, and many good chats with friends going through similar transitions (We found each other! These people are out there!), I feel like I’ve started to find some kind of balance that works for me, though it’s always a work-in-progress. To that end, here’s a list of things I’m noticing as I reflect on how my attention and behaviors have changed in the year that’s passed since “logging off”.
things I replaced my instagram behavior with:
compulsively checking anything on my phone while on the toilet (email, pinterest, the weather app, my photos roll - lol that last one, your guess is as good as mine)
texting my friends in group texts! this is the actual best, highly recommend
see also: sending (and subsequently, receiving) voice memos from friends! also the best
writing newsletters instead of captions. close knit notes (this newsletter) has felt refreshingly good to write after so many years penning captions to go with photos with a sense of unwarranted urgency & brevity
reading books! i have never been a big reader, but i have noticed my urge to pick up a book is growing over time
sometimes, more making. i wouldn’t say i categorically make more or do more “productive” things with my time post-instagram, but the time does feel a bit more spacious, if i allow it to be
using a logged-in finsta that follows no one (from a computer browser) to get inspiration for sewing patterns and outfits - sometimes good, sometimes a hole of comparison & envy - it’s a fine line
taking more weird and experimental pictures, not worrying as much about the lighting or particular composition. taking a lot more pictures of how the light dances around our apartment
getting the Feedly App and subscribing mostly to blogs that are dead/dormant, using it as reference material. every friday, I look forward to the friday updates from Cup of Jo, Reading My Tea Leaves, and sometimes Mother Mag (sometimes it’s just a bunch of shopping links aimed at mothers, which is not presently my cup of tea, although weirdly sometimes it is?)
spending a lot more time in the Cup of Jo comments section (it’s like a warm bath, and my apartment lacks a bath)
subscribing to about 10 great substacks and other newsletters that I treasure reading, namely The Audacity by Roxane Gay, Robert Reich’s substack (tho this can be a little overwhelming, it’s daily), Grace Rother’s Newsletter, Annika is Dreaming, Slip Stitch by Carolyn Li Madeo, The Ann Friedman Weekly, Long Live by Erika Veurink, Gillian Jakob Kieser’s Newsletter. For a little escapist consumer stuff & hot takes, A Thing or Two, and Gloria.
things I’ve read or listened to that affirmed my experience of leaving Instagram:
Under the Influence podcast, particularly this episode (care of my pal Jess)
Softer Sounds’ Off The Grid Podcast (Host (and my good friend!) Amelia produced the Close Knit podcast for many years <3)
100 ways to share your work off social media - this is another amazing resource my friend Amelia created
Quitted podcast with Elizabeth Gilbert: part 1, part 2. (also care of my pal Jess!)
I’d love to know - are you using instagram these days? Are you enjoying it? Do you find your behavior changes when you are or aren’t using it? I’m perpetually curious about this and I’d love to hear your experience!
noticing & doing - links, pics, etc
finishing this cobalt blue balaclava just in time for a trip to chicago where the highs were in the 80s and the lows were in the 40s, depending on the day.
seeing grace’s work (AND GRACE AND MAYA) in person! years of internet & text friendship turned irl, is there truly anything sweeter? :,)
reading about how homes are out-earning people (here - via The Audacity) and feeling really frustrated by that being true. Thinking that the book The Asset Economy might be some required reading soon.
feeling irked by this hot-take about how “sewing your own clothes is having a moment” - maybe it was the line quoted below that tipped me over into annoyed territory (cue lots of eye-rolling from anyone who has actually tried to knit or crochet). maybe it was that i wanted this hot take to be written by… an actual maker?
Unlike knitting or crocheting, solitary crafts that are relatively easy to grasp, sewing is not for the faint of heart.
washing the linen-cotton dress i finished last month only to find a strap detached in the dryer. fixing this strap by sewing over its connection point with a sturdy, small zigzag stitch, and trying to enjoy the learning opportunity (next time i’ll backtack over these high-impact areas)
making this tiny sweater, getting to the sleeve separation, being two sizes bigger in the pattern than I thought I was, ignoring and knitting the rest of the body and half a sleeve anyway, then deciding to rip back and do my own math. the pattern was off by about 5 increase rounds (maybe there’s errata that I missed? idk, but in true ani form, I was too stubborn to fix it right away and paid in the time I had to make up for that). Scroll on to unravel the sweater:
thanks for reading, here’s a pic of flowers I arranged from the farmer’s market :)
Oh Ani, I have loved having these convos with you! What a gift to see your thoughts distilled with clarity here. You know from finsta life that I'm back on there, but with very careful (personal, unshared) boundaries around how I engage. IG cannot be a source of the news for me, or a place to process grief. I cannot engage with the weird therapy posts (IG therapy feels like such a danger zone to me!) or with anyone telling anyone else how to live. It feels a little disingenuous to engage in such a playful and low-stakes way when the world feels anything but. And yet it also feels like a relief to engage in casual international/long distance friendships again- ones that haven't blossomed into bigger correspondence (mostly because my capacity for that level of communication is limited to a handful of people!). Ramble ramble ramble. Hate IG, love the humans who use it. Love you too!!
Ani, I am in awe of your decision and have loved following you when you were on Instagram and now via close knit notes - and of course my favorite podcast Close Knit!
I have been wanting to log off Instagram as well, but the thing that keeps stopping me is the thought of - how do I get people to look at and hopefully buy my artwork if I don’t have Instagram? I am still enjoying Instagram for now, but that enjoyment has been declining for the past year or so. Do you have any thoughts or advice or article links that might help?
I really want to make a living from my weaving/sewing craft - or from something that allows me to have the freedom of time that I can decide how to live my life in the slow way that I want to.
Lots of love to you 💕