on planning outfits (very) early

how early is too early? and when does "research" take a turn towards obsession?

Pretty early in our relationship, Josh had my number (metaphorically, I mean). While I tried on clothing in front of a mirror, auditioning outfits for some trip that was probably more than a month away at the time, he glanced over at me, and said sweetly, not even a glimmer of judgment in his voice, “I can always tell when you’re excited about something when you start planning your outfits”. I bristled at first, expecting this to be a judgment about my vanity or my anxiety (who plans that far in advance anyway?). But he meant it lovingly. And in time, I’ve softened to my own proclivities, vain or anxious as I’ve believed them to be. I recall small Ani planning her outfit for school & laying it out delicately over a chair as if the mere availability of the clothing would somehow soften the pre-school nerves. I feel a lot of compassion when I picture small Ani trying out ways of coping with big feelings, grounding herself with textiles & touch.

To this day, I love to audition outfits, especially for a trip. I love working within the constraints of travel - packing in a carry-on, the weather, the various activities I’m going to want to do. I’ve long been espousing the wonders of hiking in linen dresses - the pockets! the ease of bush wees! (for americans, peeing outside!), and I have historically been very averse to purchasing activewear, so I tend to really test the limits of how actively my regular-wear clothes can really be used.

I enjoy the opportunity to create a capsule - while I’ve come to accept that in life, I will probably never truly be a minimalist (I’m sentimental! I enjoy thrifting! I want to buy art my friends make! I want to be the friend making the art!), I enjoy capsules as an exercise for using what I’ve got and finding versatility in it.

My family is taking a trip to Iceland & Ireland later this month (!), and I’ve been thinking about the clothes since ~April. There are times when this joyful consideration has started to feel borderline obsessive or times when the search lacks resolve. I find this to be particularly true for things I don’t really want to own but that are entirely essential for a trip like this - a raincoat (I love my oilskin coat, but in a downpour, it will not keep me sufficiently dry, so I’ve been hunting for a lightweight rain jacket that will stand the test of time & keep me fully dry while traveling), a pair of running shoes to replace my 5-year-old pair (I went ahead and got the brand I used to wear as a track/cross country runner in high school, but this time, all black), a couple of merino base layers that are impractical for me to make myself with my current material/machinery access and skills.

I like thinking about clothing (and I no longer see it as some fundamental character flaw that I possess that makes me so much vainer than anyone else). But when it feels like I can’t pull myself away, or I’m thinking about it at the expense of other things (I dunno, like resting without a screen in front of my eyes? Sitting outside? Maybe even making for fun?), that’s when I’d like to give myself a friendly suggestion to consider whether this is how I intended to spend my time. The decision I make about the clothes I wear for Iceland is trivial. I know that. I can try my best to buy the “right” raincoat and it won’t absolve me of my implication in capitalism, nor will it drastically improve my experience of the trip. But, it is tempting to believe that the raincoat I buy has some kind of greater weight or purpose or will improve my life in a tangible way.

I’ve been talking this over, in “slow conversation” as I like to call it - that is, sending voice memos back and forth over the course of a day - with my friend Jess. We started wondering, what if you could quantify the value of the research both of us are prone to (and often enjoy) doing? What if you could know that 1 hour of research on the “right” raincoat would yield a 20% better for the environment/ more ethically produced/more enjoyable to wear/cuter raincoat? Wouldn’t it be convenient to know that beyond that amount of time, it’s all diminishing returns? That the raincoat will, in fact, be just fine, and now you’ll get your brain back so you can focus on other things (hopefully not more borderline obsessive gear-hunting, but look, it happens).

I’m sure this sort of thing is near-impossible to quantify, but if considering it is giving me any more insight, it’s that allowing myself the indulgence of browsing around and giving it thought is fun until it isn’t. And when it’s no longer fun, it’s probably just time to ask myself, gently, “is this what I intended to be doing?”. There are many ways to chill out and numb out (in moderation), and I’d gently suggest to myself that a more fruitful one might be to pick up the knitting or take a walk or just close my eyes.

What is consistently fun for me, though, is the broad exercise of imagining. I think there’s an opinion piece (or 5) that circulates every year in recent memory about how anticipating vacation is half the enjoyment that you get from it. At first, I found that insight really bleak, and then I thought, wait of course this is true. Anticipation is powerful, and I still find anxiety relief in the tactile sensation of textiles (little Ani was an intuitive self-soother, and I carry those tools with me today). It is very exciting to imagine what the experience will feel like, and it means that the act of traveling permeates outside the confines of the travel itself. That part is fun, and in moderation, I like to do it! So if you’ll indulge me a little, here’s how I’m thinking about clothing myself for the Iceland/Ireland Trip:

the color palette:

• neutrals: navy, black, olive/green drab

• accents: red, cobalt

the pinterest board (to catalog a couple of researched brands for those essentials I don’t have & can’t make & to inventory the imagined color palette/ vibe(ish))

what I’m packing:

base layers: 2x merino long sleeve, 1x merino legging, undies (a few of which are merino), merino socks, cotton socks (not pictured because… boring?)

tops: navy long sleeve button down, cobalt short linen button down (for maximum dad vibes layering), black hemp tank, red sweater ruby made me!

jackets: military liner, oilskin coat (pictured above)

dresses: one cotton poplin button-through dress, in case a need arises (not pictured, in the wash)

bottoms: 2x pants: one navy trouser, one green corduroy trouser (below)

accessories: red beanie, cobalt balaclava, super crushable silk scarf, sunnies ( all pictured below)

shoes: running shoes, blundstones (that I will spray with a waterproofer before we go)

& hopefully, saving a bit of space for a textile treat somewhere along the way! when in ireland, afterall!

the whole capsule (minus the boring merino stuff & shoes)

noticing & doing

thank you for the texts & emails & comments that, in fact, I am not alone in pitting out my clothing (and in particular, not alone in spending $$ on RJ only to have it rendered more or less unwearable). it’s sort of silly, but this really helped me feel less alone. it sparked some great conversation, too. i’ll compile some tips from readers to share next time, i haven’t quite gotten around to responding to folks yet! <3

i took the same pattern I always use to make baby bloomers and vaguely adapted them to make these pants for a wee bub who is due to make an appearance earthside pretty soon. I’m not sure I wrote down clear enough notes to make them shareable, but if there’s interest, I can make an attempt!

they came out pretty small, so *fingers crossed* for a fit!

watching this video of Max Richter’s recomposition of Vivaldi. these songs never fail to give me chills, but seeing the musicians playing it? oof! a visceral reminder to prioritize shared music-making, always.

i went to swanson’s fabrics, which is in the area we’re trying to move to & it is the coolest place. i sourced all the materials there for this act of play (or, a doll-sized quilt).

true to form, i cast on some cobalt tiny bb socks with the scraps of the balaclava & baby beanie.

really ran out of yarn faster than expected, so they will be mismatched to the extreme :)

riding this bike to the pond for a swim and then to the seafood store & eating these oysters on the bench outside has definitely been a summer highlight so far

may the heatwave have broken wherever you are & as always, thanks for indulging me <3