"I trust my intuition to deliver signals about what is right for me, and though it may not happen on the timeline I envisioned, I trust it will be right on time." I think I need to write this on my mirror as a daily affirmation, Ani! Thank you for this tender + vulnerable share. I'm in the same boat in regards to deciding whether to have a second child. My therapist reminded me that it's easy to think of negative outcomes with whatever decision, but thinking about the positive outcomes of either life has been helpful: it could be wonderful to be childless. It's already a good life. It could be wonderful to have a child. You can't go wrong. Also, thank you for my birthday note + stickers. It made my day. Love you!
It's a winding road, and it doesn't end if you have a baby. I thought I wanted one child for most of my life. Got together with my husband-to-be at 29 and we decided we wanted two kids. I designed a house with a nook for bunk beds. Had my daughter at 34 and couldn't even think about another baby for 4 years because damn, babies are hard. Tried for a second baby for a few years after that, with both yearning and hesitation. Had a miscarriage at 42. Loved being pregnant again and felt totally relieved when it was over a few weeks later. Suddenly realized I did *not* want a second baby, and have turned my face towards menopause. Meanwhile, part-time care of a second, younger child unexpectedly came into my life through a family crisis. I don't know how long that role will be mine to fill, but I'm glad I have the space in my life to meet the need now.
I'm glad I had a child, and I envy my childless friends their artistic depth and range. I honor all instincts in these matters. There's no logical choice to make.
A book called "maternal desire" made a big impression on me in the years before I had my daughter.
I could not relate to this more. I always thought I would want to have a family but now I feel so unsure. Between my financial insecurity and lack of support system it feels like if I did have a baby it would be more stress than anything else… but I keep going back and forth. I too admire people who are at least sure one way or another. I feel like when you turn 30 you have to pick a life changing choice either to have kids or not have kids and it’s so hard to choose!! Oy. Thanks for sharing. I’m right there with you. I love that little bear you made too. So cute
This is so real and vulnerable, Ani - thank you for sharing. I’ve had the reverse experience: I was someone who did not want children or imagine myself starting a family, ever. A lot of things have since shifted: meeting and building a relationship with a partner who I know would be a wonderful parent, moving to a country with an extremely robust social welfare system, the dream of having a house somewhere with beautiful nature feeling a bit less out of reach, seeing my friends have their own children and witnessing their love… I catch myself thinking about starting my own family sometimes. I feel some pressure as my partner is older than I am, so we’ve talked about it and agreed that if we did want to try, it would be sooner rather than later. And, I think we would be happy either way (we might decide to try and not have the desired outcome, or not try and have it happen regardless!). I echo a previous commenter’s sentiment that there is no right or wrong choice, just the choice you make and have to live with: both will be full of difficulties and joys.
OH and also - I started changing my mind because of very tangible changes in circumstances. In my twenties everyone used to say “you’ll change your mind” and it made me so angry! Had I not moved country and not met my partner (if I want kids, it is with them specifically), I don’t know if I would have changed my mind. That just felt important to note, for all the women/people socialised as women ou there!
This is a hard topic. I never wanted my own, but always wanted to be the fun auntie. My husband was on the fence so we kept the option open as a possibility. when I turned 34 we had the children discussion and both decided we wanted to be the fun auntie and uncle. I'm 48 and in my heart of hearts we made the best decision for us. I think that's all you can do. I feel very deeply for anyone who wants kids and for whatever reason it doesn't work out. We watched our friends have kids on purpose, by accident and some that couldn't conceives and decided to adopt. Thank you for sharing.
Hi 🤍 firstly, thank you for sharing your heart. This is and has always been such a real consideration, but it seems infinitely more fraught with different, more pressing factors in this day & age (environmental concerns, national & global political climates, this post-but-still-kind-of-a-pandemic space we’re living in, the general state of things).
I will say that I didn’t know for certain that I wanted children until I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. Knowing her little spark of life was there, growing inside me, was how I knew. Tragically, she died at birth seven months ago, and my arms have been aching for her since. We hope to give her a sibling when our hearts & my body has had some time to heal.
All this to say — it’s a decision we all come into entirely in our own ways. Only you can know. Prior to finding out I was pregnant with my daughter, I found Sheila Heti’s book “Motherhood” really insightful; Haley Nahman of Maybe Baby’s writing on her own ambivalence; Anna Fusco of Unsupervised has written with great perspective on this as well 🤍 I find all of these women so inspiring, and found all of their writing deeply helpful in times when I was grappling with my own ambivalent feelings on parenthood.
I really enjoyed Rebecca solnits “the mother of all questions” I only read the first chapter-ha! But that was all I needed.
The thing that shifted for me this year was the realisation that I would probably enjoy being a parent (I also assumed I just would be a parent until it was like oh ok hasn’t actually happened yet) I think I felt some pressure to make whichever one I didn't choose loaded with what was bad about to make myself feel good about not choosing it… I’m not sure if this makes sense other than in my own head! But after I realised I’d probably have a good time either way I sort of relaxed into the thing I was already doing.
I think most of the time I feel how much care the people already in my life need that making a brand new person feels like a sort of niche thing like growing your own field of wheat from scratch to bake your own bread like sure go for for it if you’re up for it :-)
And similarly that trusting of intuition even if it’s not pointing in the direction you expected- an instinct not to be second guessed.
One last recommendation was this podcast, you know when you listen to something and can feel it’s power to expand the future conversations one might have:
Also sorry bread analogy is no shade on baby makers or wheat growers ;-) it’s been a long day and my metaphors are suffering!
Thanks for being brave for writing about this- the inbetween space is where lots of people reside but life often feels like it is demanding a false binary xxx also stealing nibbling!
I'm 33 and resonate so much with this. I am very maternal and love babies and children. I dream about babies very often. But with the state of the world and also lack of support as far as community, wealth, and having come from a dysfunctional family, I just think it would be too much for me. But I think about this all the time. I am going to check out that book, Women Without Kids.
52 yo here. Had my first kid at 36 and another at 40. One thing I have learned and am teaching my kids is to trust their intuition. You may not fully understand it at the time, but don't ignore the voice in your head. Too many times I chose the path others said was right and ignored my own inner voice. Burned...every time. Trust yourself.
I can relate to this quite a bit. Have you heard Ashley C Ford's podcast series on deciding whether or not to have kids? Highly recommended. https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/going-through-it/id1458893934
"I trust my intuition to deliver signals about what is right for me, and though it may not happen on the timeline I envisioned, I trust it will be right on time." I think I need to write this on my mirror as a daily affirmation, Ani! Thank you for this tender + vulnerable share. I'm in the same boat in regards to deciding whether to have a second child. My therapist reminded me that it's easy to think of negative outcomes with whatever decision, but thinking about the positive outcomes of either life has been helpful: it could be wonderful to be childless. It's already a good life. It could be wonderful to have a child. You can't go wrong. Also, thank you for my birthday note + stickers. It made my day. Love you!
It's a winding road, and it doesn't end if you have a baby. I thought I wanted one child for most of my life. Got together with my husband-to-be at 29 and we decided we wanted two kids. I designed a house with a nook for bunk beds. Had my daughter at 34 and couldn't even think about another baby for 4 years because damn, babies are hard. Tried for a second baby for a few years after that, with both yearning and hesitation. Had a miscarriage at 42. Loved being pregnant again and felt totally relieved when it was over a few weeks later. Suddenly realized I did *not* want a second baby, and have turned my face towards menopause. Meanwhile, part-time care of a second, younger child unexpectedly came into my life through a family crisis. I don't know how long that role will be mine to fill, but I'm glad I have the space in my life to meet the need now.
I'm glad I had a child, and I envy my childless friends their artistic depth and range. I honor all instincts in these matters. There's no logical choice to make.
A book called "maternal desire" made a big impression on me in the years before I had my daughter.
I could not relate to this more. I always thought I would want to have a family but now I feel so unsure. Between my financial insecurity and lack of support system it feels like if I did have a baby it would be more stress than anything else… but I keep going back and forth. I too admire people who are at least sure one way or another. I feel like when you turn 30 you have to pick a life changing choice either to have kids or not have kids and it’s so hard to choose!! Oy. Thanks for sharing. I’m right there with you. I love that little bear you made too. So cute
This is so real and vulnerable, Ani - thank you for sharing. I’ve had the reverse experience: I was someone who did not want children or imagine myself starting a family, ever. A lot of things have since shifted: meeting and building a relationship with a partner who I know would be a wonderful parent, moving to a country with an extremely robust social welfare system, the dream of having a house somewhere with beautiful nature feeling a bit less out of reach, seeing my friends have their own children and witnessing their love… I catch myself thinking about starting my own family sometimes. I feel some pressure as my partner is older than I am, so we’ve talked about it and agreed that if we did want to try, it would be sooner rather than later. And, I think we would be happy either way (we might decide to try and not have the desired outcome, or not try and have it happen regardless!). I echo a previous commenter’s sentiment that there is no right or wrong choice, just the choice you make and have to live with: both will be full of difficulties and joys.
OH and also - I started changing my mind because of very tangible changes in circumstances. In my twenties everyone used to say “you’ll change your mind” and it made me so angry! Had I not moved country and not met my partner (if I want kids, it is with them specifically), I don’t know if I would have changed my mind. That just felt important to note, for all the women/people socialised as women ou there!
This is a hard topic. I never wanted my own, but always wanted to be the fun auntie. My husband was on the fence so we kept the option open as a possibility. when I turned 34 we had the children discussion and both decided we wanted to be the fun auntie and uncle. I'm 48 and in my heart of hearts we made the best decision for us. I think that's all you can do. I feel very deeply for anyone who wants kids and for whatever reason it doesn't work out. We watched our friends have kids on purpose, by accident and some that couldn't conceives and decided to adopt. Thank you for sharing.
Retweet times a thousand to your uncertainty. Thank you for sharing and your bravery of sharing, sweet friend.
Hi 🤍 firstly, thank you for sharing your heart. This is and has always been such a real consideration, but it seems infinitely more fraught with different, more pressing factors in this day & age (environmental concerns, national & global political climates, this post-but-still-kind-of-a-pandemic space we’re living in, the general state of things).
I will say that I didn’t know for certain that I wanted children until I found out I was pregnant with my daughter. Knowing her little spark of life was there, growing inside me, was how I knew. Tragically, she died at birth seven months ago, and my arms have been aching for her since. We hope to give her a sibling when our hearts & my body has had some time to heal.
All this to say — it’s a decision we all come into entirely in our own ways. Only you can know. Prior to finding out I was pregnant with my daughter, I found Sheila Heti’s book “Motherhood” really insightful; Haley Nahman of Maybe Baby’s writing on her own ambivalence; Anna Fusco of Unsupervised has written with great perspective on this as well 🤍 I find all of these women so inspiring, and found all of their writing deeply helpful in times when I was grappling with my own ambivalent feelings on parenthood.
I really enjoyed Rebecca solnits “the mother of all questions” I only read the first chapter-ha! But that was all I needed.
The thing that shifted for me this year was the realisation that I would probably enjoy being a parent (I also assumed I just would be a parent until it was like oh ok hasn’t actually happened yet) I think I felt some pressure to make whichever one I didn't choose loaded with what was bad about to make myself feel good about not choosing it… I’m not sure if this makes sense other than in my own head! But after I realised I’d probably have a good time either way I sort of relaxed into the thing I was already doing.
I think most of the time I feel how much care the people already in my life need that making a brand new person feels like a sort of niche thing like growing your own field of wheat from scratch to bake your own bread like sure go for for it if you’re up for it :-)
And similarly that trusting of intuition even if it’s not pointing in the direction you expected- an instinct not to be second guessed.
One last recommendation was this podcast, you know when you listen to something and can feel it’s power to expand the future conversations one might have:
https://open.spotify.com/episode/4jPV07AxbuszYctaBFgEVZ?si=jZ5iWQBiTo2TVMI_MsXLhQ
Also sorry bread analogy is no shade on baby makers or wheat growers ;-) it’s been a long day and my metaphors are suffering!
Thanks for being brave for writing about this- the inbetween space is where lots of people reside but life often feels like it is demanding a false binary xxx also stealing nibbling!
I'm 33 and resonate so much with this. I am very maternal and love babies and children. I dream about babies very often. But with the state of the world and also lack of support as far as community, wealth, and having come from a dysfunctional family, I just think it would be too much for me. But I think about this all the time. I am going to check out that book, Women Without Kids.
52 yo here. Had my first kid at 36 and another at 40. One thing I have learned and am teaching my kids is to trust their intuition. You may not fully understand it at the time, but don't ignore the voice in your head. Too many times I chose the path others said was right and ignored my own inner voice. Burned...every time. Trust yourself.